lisalisajason

How to present myself tomorrow

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 23:48:40 GMT

I have my best friend coming around tomorrow with his wife and son.

We have been best friends since we were 10.

We have been through a lot together and he has dug me out of more scrapes than I care to remember.

He has a strong character and is a typical male.
He enjoys a beer or 5, enjoys sport and works in quite a male environment.

He has a good nature and I love him as a best friend.

If I am an honest I am more nervous about coming out to him now than anyone else. In comparison I think telling my brother and sister In January as I plan to do, will be a doddle.

I am not ready yet to tell my best friend but as we don't see each other very often, (due to the distance we live apart)I am sure he will notice changes in me.

I am worried a bit as to what to wear.

I haven't bought any male clothes except work shirts for 2 years, and am mostly presenting now in female androgynous clothes.

But what should I wear tomorrow. If I do present like this I am sure him and his wife will ask questions and it could be difficult with all the kids there.

On the other hand I do feel guilty for not being honest with him.

I am seriously worried about loosing this friendship. If I am honest, in a big way one of the reasons I don't see him a lot more is because I am scared of loosing the friendship if he sees me as I want to be seen.

I guess I am going to have to slick the hair back, dig out some male clothes and grin and bear it.

I suppose I need to follow my general plan of telling people in a staged way, handling one hurdle at a time.

Not sure I could deal with to many hurdles all together.

If a fell at them all it would kill me.

So today Michael, I am going to be Jason. ( for my American friends this guy did stars in your eyes in the UK)

Boxing day

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 00:38:19 GMT

We visited my Mum and Dad on Boxing day and had a second Christmas day.

They live about 30 miles away and generally My sister and her Fiancé together with my family all go around on boxing day and repeat Christmas day.

So I had a second full Christmas turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and don't tell anyone but I had another large portion of Christmas pudding with brandy sauce!

My Grandfather was there also. He is doing well for his age, now 89 years young!

We gave out the presents and had an enjoyable day.

My mum gave me my present when we were on our own, as she had got me the perfume I wanted. :-)

It was a great feeling having my mum and dad buy me something for me like that.

After dinner my dad and I took our dog for a walk and he suggested we visited the local pub for a drink. My daughter came for a walk with us, and she said she was happy to walk down the country lane to the pub.

They allowed dogs inside which I hadn't realised.

The pub sells mainly real ales and has a great feel to it. Open fireplaces and a genuinely nice clientele.

I had 2 glasses of real ale, that my dad recommended to me.

My wife called and guessed where we had gone. She being the angel she is came to pick us up, which did save the walk back along the dark country lane.

My mum then prepared tea and while most of the family were in the living room watching a football match, my mum and I sat in the back room listening to Christmas songs.

We had a chat which although interrupted a few times, I really enjoyed.

It was different to the chats we have had in the past. The dynamic seem to have changed a bit.

She said that my brother and sister in law, who had spent Christmas day with her after dropping by our house on the way, had not mentioned anything to her about the way I was dressed or anything. However they had mentioned about the fact that my brother seems to have more grey hair even though his hair was a lot shorter.

My Mum and dad just nodded there heads apparently, and agreed with them. Nothing else was said by them.

She also said she had been thinking back for signs of any gender issues I had in the past. She said that I did seem to go through periods of anger at times, and often people would say,"you know how Jason is."

It would seem that people could see I was a moody child at times, even into my teens and adult life I guess. ( I think I need to reflect on this a bit more. Maybe a furture blog)

Its amazing how much more relaxed and in tune with myself I feel now.

The conversation was cut short with the kids running in.

I hope our relationship continues to evolve and grow into a more mother / daughter one.

We came home around 9.00 PM.

This morning I lay in bed when my wife was downstairs and for 15 minutes, I kind of felt ridiculous that all this change is going on.

It was like self doubt came back for a short period.

It vanished shortly afterwards but did leave me feeling uneasy for a while.

Today I prepared my world famous, (ok then family famous) lasagna, for my brother in law and his family.

We had Jacket potatoes and salad with it. Just what the doctor ordered after all that turkey.

Again I was in girls androgynous clothes. No makeup on but hair styled a bit and a light shinny nail varnish that I have had on all Christmas.

Now my sister in law I am sure noticed and kept looking at my hands. I think she told her husband.

No change from them at all in the way we talked and inter acted with me, but I am sure they noticed it.

Finally someone seems to actually open there eyes !!!

Now I am not in the slightest bit worried and indeed am being more real about myself around many others.

I think 2010 will be a big year for me, in terms of being more visible.

Tomorrow I am going to make a creamy Turkey and Gammon pie. I am almost feeling hungry just thinking about it!

Christmas day

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 22:05:16 GMT

I spent most of Christmas eve either shopping for food, cooking or watching Santa on his world wide journey on the Norad Santa Tracker web site.

The kids and I loved it.

I had them involved in the preparations and they made the trifle between them. It tasted and looked wonderful.

We went to 6.00PM mass at our local church. It was the first time we had seen the new priest, and he seems quite upbeat and modern in his approach.

The kids went up and sang away in a manger and happy Birthday to Jesus, in the crib after mass.

I love the feel of Christmas.

When we got home I opened some wine and we played some music. I also sneaked in a 40 minute practice to the "Fairy tale of new York" I found on U tube.
I still cant play it properly yet but am hopeful with 364 days to go till next year. it is realistic to be able to play it by then!!!

The kids didn't wake up until 8.00 on Christmas morning which meant my head was not to bad after a few glasses of wine.

They opened there presents and played most of the day with them.

My wife had got me a Love Links bracelet with 6 charms. It is lovely. I haven't taken it off so far!

I wore a nice party top my wife bought me for my Birthday, with some black leggings and black Ugg boots (cheap £4.00 copy I got in Primark!)

I had styled my hair a little (which was looking great after I found some dye I could use that didn't effect me)and also applied a little eye makeup and lipstick, but fairly conservatively, as we had people coming in the day.

We had our traditional breakfast of Scrambled eggs and smoked salmon, with Bucks fizz for breakfast. Before anyone calls the police the kids had orange juice!!

At 12.30 I got in my girly jeans and top as my brother and his family were coming around on there way to my parents house. I left my hair as it was and didn't wash of any of the makeup off, although it had worn off a little.

I have got to the stage that I almost want people to force this out of me and am taking small risks I guess.

Other than a second look when they saw me nobody said anything, or seemed to act any differently. They stayed for an hour and then left.

It was great to see them. We really don't see them enough. Our kids get on so well with there two young ones.

I then prepared Christmas dinner while my wife collected her Mum from work.

We had a late dinner at 3.30. It was a traditional Turkey dinner with all the trimmings, sparkling wine and Christmas songs in the background.

At 5.30PM my wife's uncle came around and we watched TV, played games and chatted for most of the night.

He hasn't seen me for 18 month and after he had been with us for an hour or so he said " I hope you don't mind me asking, but why are you growing your hair"

Now I smiled and immediately looked at my son who was sitting right next to him. He was smiling as well.

I made the usual excuse about me learning the guitar and changing my outlook. That seemed to answer it for him.

I am surprised. I had re applied my silver eye make up 3 times in the day, Put on mascara and also applied my lipstick 2 or 3 times. I had girls jeans and t-shirt, no hair on my arms, a girls watch and bracelet and all people seem to notice is my hair.

They don't seem to register the bob style of my hair, the fact it is dyed, the fact my eye brows are plucked and shaped or that I have absolutely no facial hair.

Just it seems the length of my hair.

I had asked my wife if she minded me wearing a little discreet makeup and clothes. She had said no problem as if her mum mentioned anything it might prompt the conversation she needed to have with her about me.

I then thought it may be a good thing to let them see me and ask any questions.

As it turned out no one has said anything at all.

I also spoke to my Mum and asked if My brother had mentioned anything about me.

It seems he hadn't but my sister in law had mentioned that my brother seemed to have more grey hair than me, even though my hair was longer and I was older.

Other than that they said nothing either.

It really does amaze me that no one seems to notice. I was told by my therapist that people wont notice for a long time, that they see what they expect to see, until you do something that gives it away.

I am not sure what giving it away entails, but maybe its wearing a slinky black dress with killer heels and full make up applied.

Mind you that does sound tempting.

We went to bed around 12.00 after more than enough wine for a year.

I managed to get up at 9.30 and after I had thought about how much I had eaten and drunken, I felt suitably guilty to go for a jog. I have to admit it was a tough 3 miles but I felt better when I got back.

Now I am off to my Mums for a second Christmas day!

So all in all a wonderful Christmas so far.

Santa tracking for kids and big kids.

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 13:51:51 GMT

For anyone that has children or if you are a big kid here is a link to track santa.

You will need to download google earth and it shows him flyimg around the world.

It also has a present count. So far he is over Australia and has delivered over 120,000,000 presents.

We track him every year.

It is great fun.

It is done by NORAD

http://www.noradsanta.org/en/video.html

I hope you enjoy

Yippee !

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 19:17:30 GMT

Great news!

It seems I don't have a reaction to this natural dye.

So tonight my plan is to wash my hair and then "condition"(dye) it.

This "conditioner" apparently needs to stay in for up to 2 hours with a plastic cap over it.

I just hope my kids don't roll over laughing at me. :-)

I had my last day at work today until the 4th of January so tomorrow will be spent between cooking to get ready for Christmas and admiring my grey-less hair in the mirror. LOL

On Monday I spent 45 minutes in the electric chair (electrolysis) which will see me through till Monday 4th of January. Oh Joy Oh Joy.

I am in good spirits and looking forward to Christmas day.

I have a lovely top my wife got me for my birthday that is a party top and a pair of leggings and shoes laid out ready for Christmas morning. Just a shame I will have to get changed back before the outlaws arrive at 3.00PM. But hey ho.

I wish all my friends a happy Christmas. I hope you have all been good this year and that Father Christmas (Santa for some of my friends) brings you all a gift.

Big Festive hug.

xxxxxx

Last chance saloon, for my lovely brown, with no grey bits hair, Honest!!!

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 21:26:42 GMT

Well my final chance at finding anything to colour my hair without turning my head into a mass of puss weeping holes arrived today.

I found a non chemical based product that is not only organic, its also vegetarian, vegan, environmentally friendly and tree hugging.

It contains no ammonia, no peroxides, no PPDs and no Parebans.

For colouring it uses plant extracts it seems.

It is a bit more expensive than the standard hair dyes you bye in the shop but Hey Ho. If it works it will be money well spent.

I paid for quick delivery so I could have it before Christmas.

Basically I want it done before Christmas, but If it goes pear shaped so to speak at least I have a couple of weeks to do something before I go back work. (Like what shave my hair off ??)

Apparently it lasts for 6 - 8 weeks which will be fine for me.

I have chosen a dark brown as that's my hair colour. I really just want to hide the grey.

I need your prayers tonight as I think this is last chance saloon for hair coloring!!!

So here we go.

Our Father who art in Heaven, ......

Damn allergic reaction to the mild hair dye

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 19:38:52 GMT

Damn, I woke up this morning and felt wet behind me ear.

It seems I have had an allergic reaction even to this hair dye that has most things taken out

It does not contain Ammonia, Resorcinol, Nonoxynol, Parebens or any heavy metals ( I honestly don't know what they all are but they don't sound to good) but I still had a reaction.It does say it contains low levels of PPDs whatever they are. So maybe that is the bit I am having a problem with.

The stuff I tried was from a company called Spirit of Nature. They distribute lots of environmentally friendly products.

They do have within there range a product called "Logona Pure Herbal colour which is a semi permanent colour.

It contains no parebens, PPDs, Ammonia or peroxide. I may give this one a try as it is made from 100% natural ingredients.

Just by chance if anyone has tried this or has any suggestions on an alternative I would be very interested.

I took my Daughter with me to the hairdressers today. She is a real angel and always makes me laugh.
She is 6 years old and has 5 boyfriends on the go apparently! She is a real character.

I asked my hairdresser if he knew of any hair dyes that were kind to sensitive skin and he said I maybe should try some of the mousses that are available which while not dying the hair, can help hide some of the grey.
At the moment my hair is 90% brown and its just the 10% grey I want to colour really.

After getting home, we took the dog for a walk, played the guitar for an hour and then went for a run.

We have just finished an Indian takeaway and my plan for tonight is to cuddle up on the settee with my wife, a large glass of wine in hand and watch a DVD.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Christmas, Hair and computer

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 21:33:39 GMT

Well it has been a week and a half since my last blog so I better just do a quick catch up I guess.

I have had computer problems for the last few weeks. I have finally managed to get it up and running after a lot of effort and playing around.

I don't want to bore anyone with the details but basically I changed the hard drive and the mother board.

The damn thing would not then boot up.

This meant the only way to start it was to reload windows and delete everything on my hard drive.

Obviously that would have been a real pain.

So I then bought another new hard drive and loaded windows onto that.

I have now added the old one as a slave drive.

At least I have now kept all the information.

If nothing else it has been a learning experience!

Thanks to Chrissie and some other friends for there help and advise.

I have managed to spend a bit of time practicing the guitar which I have enjoyed.

I am off tomorrow to get my haircut. Hopefully it is about long enough to have a "BOB" style cut. I just have to be careful that I can style it in a masculine way (URGH I am going to vomit!) in the day.

I also ordered some natural hair dye which arrived today. Unfortunately I seem to have major reactions to most hair dyes.

I have done a test patch several hours ago and will wait until tomorrow to see if I have a reaction.

My grey hairs are now starting to show a bit and I really want to get rid of them. Fingers crossed.

I have kept up the jogging and managed to have a 3 mile run every couple of days. It has helped me loose 2 lbs of the lbs. I put on. Still 4 more to go.

I am on a reasonably even keel at the moment. I think its the thought of Christmas and a break that's helping.

I went shopping with my wife last Saturday and we managed to get most of the presents.

I bought my wife some charms that she wanted for her bracelet. It is so lovely and she knows I really want a bracelet like that.

Its the type where you buy the silver chain and then add the charms over time. You can personalize them and there are hundreds of options for the charms.

So when she asked me what I wanted I smiled and she knew what to get me. So we went and chose the bracelet and some charms to go on it.

Now I cant wait until Christmas morning. :-)

I love shopping with my wife. We have a good browse around and always make time for a pub lunch. Either my parents or hers babysit so it is a relaxed day.

We normally go 2 or 3 times a year.

My Mum called me the other night and she has been asking me what I wanted for Christmas. I have been racking my brains and really wanted some perfume.

She said " come on tell me what you want. You need to make up your mind time is running out. How about a CD or some after shave"

After shave !!! I laughed when she said it.

I said "no mum, Definitely not, but there is a nice perfume I am after if you wouldn't mind."

There was a short pause and then a "on that's fine and which one would you like"

So I told her and the conversation moved on.

I am trying to introduce things slowly with my parents and it does seem to be working. They are great. Although they never instigate any conversation on my Gender, they are ok if I bring it up.

We have a way to go yet but basically so far so good.

Oh dear, I have just looked at my arm and I need to epilate. That's tomorrow morning sorted!

A good night learning the guitar

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 00:28:20 GMT

I am really starting to enjoy playing the guitar again.

I always love it when I am on an even keel.

I am planning along with John (the old guy that teaches me) to do another Gig at my house.

The first one was called "The big Gig". This one is going to be called the "The Big Gig 2"

We had my Mum and Dad, Sister and her husband, Next door neighbors, mother in law and Brother in law last time. My kids also had a couple of people stay over.

I think we had 22 in total with13 people staying over!

They were everywhere, in the conservatory, Dining room and all the bedrooms. :-D

We have planned 13 songs to perform this time.

Last time which was my first performance in front of anyone. We chose a set that was achievable for a new player. I played chords for a couple of songs but mostly I played lead.

This time I want to play mainly Chords to enable me to learn to play on my own.

I am also keen to learn to play at least 2 songs on my own for that night.

I have been on to U Tube and have found one of my Dads favorite songs "Hurt" the cover version by Johnny Cash.

I also managed to find a lesson on line on how to play it.

I have managed to practice for 1 hour on this song and 2 hours on the rest tonight.

It’s put a big smile on my face!

It’s a long way from good enough but I know I can do it now.

Last time I dedicated a song we played to my wife. It was "Wonderful tonight" by Eric Clapton.

She was in tears when I played and sang it. Lauren from next door also had tears in her eyes!

I have to think of a special song to dedicate for her this time.

I also need one to dedicate to my Mum.

Suggestions welcome!

I love the guitar and hope I can keep away from the downers that drag me away from it.

I know many of my on line friends are excellent players, yes I am talking about you Deja, Lori, Nicky and Teri.

Maybe we should start a band!

Oh Dear, the wrong glasses for work !!!

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:58:26 GMT

I made a bit of a mistake this morning that I didn’t realise until my secretary said “are those new glasses!”

I got up as normal in my girly night top and put on my women’s glasses, as I do every morning. After getting my slippers on and dressing robe, I went downstairs and woke the kids up.

We had breakfast, and then I washed, and blow dried my hair ready for work.

Now as I am not out at work, I always style my hair in a masculine way by brushing it back, which looks ok despite the fact it is now cut in the style of a small bob.

After blow drying my hair I always get dressed, change my glasses and leave the house.

But not today.

I had forgotten to get my male glasses on.

Now both pairs of glasses are fashion types and are in fact identical except the colour.

My male ones are Black and my female ones are a purple/red colour.

I drove to work, walked into the office and said good morning.

Jane looked at me strangely and said “are those new glasses.”

Now at first I went blank and didn’t know what she meant and on turning around to get something out of my bag, it dawned on me what I had done.

I was in disbelief at first and wracked my brains to think of an excuse.

On turning around to face her I explained that my daughter was playing with our new puppy and had accidentally knocked my glasses off. I went on to tell them at spec savers (who always have 2 for 1 offer) had the usual deal on and that my wife and 2 girls chose them for me.

I said the reason that they hadn’t seen me wear them before was that basically I didn’t wear them, but had no other choice.

I told them to enjoy it for 1 day as my others were being repaired today after which it would be business as usual.

Inside after the initial panic dyed off I was trying to hold back the laughter.

There were a few jokes made about them, but it wasn’t too bad actually. I obviously kept a low profile all day!

Goodness knows if it has put any ideas in their heads but certainly it didn’t seem that way.

I called my wife on the way home and we had a laugh about it. My daughters were also chuckling away.

After dinner I went to see my youngest daughter in the nativity play. She was an innkeeper. There was lots of singing and laughing. She and all her friends were fantastic.

I hope if I do transition I am not forced to avoid occasions like that. It would be a terrible loss.

Hope all my friends are well and that your Christmas preparations are going to plan.

Self acceptance

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 16:22:45 GMT

Self acceptance is the first stage of transition.

I have heard this said many times and it is something that in the main I do.

I accept myself now for who I am.

I never used to, I tried to fight it, deny it, run away from it forget it. But it was never going to work.

So learn to accept it I did and now I do accept who I am.

But I have to admit the thing I find difficult is when I think of what impact this will have on others.

Recently almost every time I go out in a social setting I sit there and try to imagine what my relationships will be like with whoever I happen to be with, If and when I transition. I struggle to stay in the here and now and my mind races away wondering if we will still be friends. If we are able to, how will the friendship change?

I imagine if the way we interact will change and hope that they will truly see me as a woman. I hope they will still feel comfortable to talk to me and have fun in the way we do now.

Will I be more confident and how will I change?

Will I lose everyone I love and hold close.

But I also think how the relationship my wife and kids have with these people. How will that change. Will they lose friends? Will they become in some small way outcasts.

My son at the grand old age of 11 and in his first year of senior school now has a girlfriend who has lasted more than 2 weeks! I even find myself now wondering how this may affect relationships my children have with others. If it did affect them, would they resent me as the cause?

So this then causes me to feel resentment at myself again. To try to fight it and hide it. To not accept myself for what it may do to others.

It won’t resolve itself I know. I need to do something to find a way through the terrible ups and downs I have.

A stag night and Gender Clinic

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:58:24 GMT

Over the past week I seem to have got over this virus. It left me feeling drained both physically and emotionally. This wasn’t helped by being really busy at work. I spend a couple of long days in Scotland and a couple in Ireland on top of the normal mayhem.

Last Sunday I went for a jog as it had been 2 weeks since my last exercise. I only managed about 500 Metres and nearly fainted. After walking bag I had a bath and took it easy for a few days.

I did manage to get a run in on Thursday. I took it really slowly and did 3 miles in 30 minutes but felt strong at the end. So I did 3 miles more on Saturday.

I have to say you can tell the difference after a couple of weeks off, as on both days my legs really ached. But the reason I love to run is that it helps keep my stress levels down.

After my run I had a shower and quickly did my bi weekly epilating session, all over. It’s great to be smooth again.

On Saturday I received a letter from the Nottingham Gender Clinic confirming they had received the letter my GP had sent and the recommendation from my Psychologist.

They are requesting confirmation from the Leicester PCT that they will pay for this but I don’t believe this will be a problem.

I have filled out a form they enclosed and will post that back tomorrow.

It says it will be around 6 months until I get an appointment but it also asks if they have a cancellation, would you be prepared to go at short notice. I obviously ticked that and will now have to wait I guess.

At least I am now in the system.

Last night I went out for a stag night with my brother in Law. It was a quiet affair with just the 2 of us. I did enjoy his company and we had a nice meal and a chat. Fairly subdued but really nice.

I have to say I really would have preferred to be on a hen night and it did make me think a lot about myself again. As I stayed over at his house I had to wear all male clothes which I haven’t done in ages. Even when I go out normally I am in female clothes, even if androgynous in look. I also had to get rid of my nail varnish, and how awful do toes look bear!!!!

I had a good chat with his future wife and her 2 daughters (it is a second marriage for them both) and kind of wanted to stay with them having wine and watching a girly chick flick.

But we went out and I listened intently to talk of computers and gadgets. But “HeyHo” I guess.

I have to say I went out with the intent of drinking wine as normal, but was seduced by the traditional beers on tap, so I ended up having several pints of some great sounding and even better tasting beers!

I didn’t get to drunk and was up and having breakfast at 9.00AM this morning.

I left them at 10.30 and got home at midday. I kissed my wife and daughters and went straight up stairs to get in some decent clothes!

My son returned from Rugby at 1.00 and we had a lovely Sunday dinner.

I have done a bit of cleaning and helped my daughter with her homework.

My wife is working at the hospital until 9.00PM so it is giving me a little time to catch up with my blogs.

I am still without my personal computer as the mother board has blown. My brother in law offered to fix it but told me he would back up my hard drive to one of his spare drives in case when he did whatever he does the memory was lost.

I then panicked as I have copies of my blogs and letters to do with me on there. There are also plenty of photos of me and my wife and kids with me in my feminine clothes.

So I obviously told him I had forgotten it.

Now I will have to work out how to get this changed another way.

I hate using my work Lap top just in case the clever computer nerds find out about me but I don’t have much choice at the moment.

I am feeling a little more balanced at the moment. Long may it continue?

I hope everyone is ok.

Why men are never depressed

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 19:38:40 GMT

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife..
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

A bit all over the place

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:48:29 GMT

I have been feeling a little all over the place this last week.

Physically I think I have a virus as I have had an almost permanent headache since Saturday, with a cold and aching stomach. On Monday I had to leave work early as everyone told me I looked awful. I know I felt it.

When I got home I went straight to bed at 3.30PM.

Unfortunately I had 2 long days on Tuesday and Wednesday as I had to fly up to Scotland to see some customers. These were 2 long days and I had to take a customer out to dinner on Tuesday night.

I sat there and had 5 coffees and 3 cokes to try to keep me awake.

I got back latish last night and slept like a log.

I keep thinking about transitioning. I think about being a woman all the time, but now I am starting to really resent having male genitilier. I want them gone.

I am feeling stressed to the hilt with GD and my job.

I have been thinking of starting up a little business carpet cleaning. I think it is something I could initially do at the weekends and as it grows transition into it full time.

After the initial investment for a good industrial machine, which I will try to buy second hand, the running costs would be low. Only really time and cleaning chemicals as I get work.

I am doing a bit of research into companies locally who offer this but I don’t think there are too many.

My wife is struggling a little at the moment. She really sees me as a woman and intimacy has disappeared. We are in love but she is at the moment struggling with the changes that will happen if I transition further.

She really needs someone to talk to other than me. She doesn’t seem to want to talk to my parents about her feelings.

I have told her if she needs to tell her Mum it is fine with me but she seems to change her mind constantly on if and when she will tell her.

I think she could do with speaking to someone else to help her sort her feelings out.

My kids are fine but they don’t want me to transition fully.

At dinner a couple of weeks ago my son (11) said he was fine with me but was worried about what his friends would say and how they would treat him. My eldest daughter (9) said exactly the same.

My wife then opened up and said she really wanted not to lose her husband and if possible wanted me to stay where I am now.

My youngest daughter (6) who always makes me laugh said she didn’t mind as I am a girl anyway. I guess she is at an age where she can’t see the potential impact of bigots and prejudice.

The conversation carried on and we discussed things in a calm way.

My elder daughter then said that if I transitioned maybe I could move away and come back in a couple of years as Lisa. My son agreed and said that would be one way.

My wife also didn’t dismiss this either.

Obviously this is not possible for so many reasons, but when we all left the table it did play on my mind a lot. It makes me realise that even though I have been open with them for 18 months, and they are fine with me being myself when on holiday etc, it will be a much much greater challenge with coming out to friends who live and interact with us all daily.

It makes me feel so guilty.

I want to try to stop where I am but the thought cripples me. It leaves me in a permanent stressed mode.

My family are great and I love them to bits.

They have helped me hugely with this; I hate to put them through any more challenges.

After last week feeling motivated to play the guitar, I just can’t work up the will to do anything with it at all at the moment.

I want the feeling of living back in my life in place of this feeling of longing.

Sorry this blog is a bit random but all over the place but that how I am at the moment.

Does a stressfull job increase GD?

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:21:45 GMT

I haven’t been happy in my job for quite some time. I am in a senior sales position in a successful company, and have a sales team I am responsible for, in addition to a direct selling role.

We have faired the recession well and orders last year were on target.

So far this year we are slightly ahead so I should have reason for jubilation.

However the role is one of constant stress. No matter what you achieve and how much money we make, it continues to be stressful.

I am in an environment that pays well, but has little if any of a positive and fun nature.

I do enjoy the selling but most the stress is internal.

If we get a big order there is little celebration, moreover constant question on costs and time involved. Risk is analysed from start to finish. Costs are counted to the penny and a kick in the bum is issued, should anything go a miss.

I wouldn’t mind but we make very good margins.

It is a culture of the stick with only a financial carrot, but no other benefit.

It leaves me feeling the stress is not worthwhile.

I feel I am selling my sole for a pound.

Dread to think I will be doing this in a few years!

I also can’t stop wondering about the impact the stress causes me.

While I know I suffer from Gender Dyshorpia, I can’t help wondering if I had a less stressful job, I may be able to handle the GD a lot better. Maybe I could cope to a level that I didn’t feel the need to transition.

I don’t want to think I am burying my head in the sand, but if I could find a way to stay as I am and be free of GD or at least a less intense depressing feelings of GD, then it would be well worth it.

I guess I will never know the answer to this unless I move on and try it.

The trouble is my responsibilities to my family. I need to find a safe way of doing something new.

I really want to start something myself, something which I could transition into in my spare time, and develop, and then after it is ready, finish at where I am.

I have my thinking cap on but if anyone has any suggestions then please let me know!

Computer problems and Gender clinic

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 21:56:24 GMT

I had a problem with my PC not starting up on Saturday morning. I turned it on and the light came on for a fraction of a second and then went off.

It wouldn’t then start again, so I changed the fuse and when I pressed the power button again, it went on for a fraction of a second again and then off.

I spoke to my brother in law and he thinks it may be the power supply, so I will see him tomorrow night for him to have a look for me.

Hopefully it is as I really haven’t budgeted for a new computer, especially with Christmas coming up!

I am managing to use my work notebook, although I don’t like to as when I am connected to the network in the office, who knows what they can find out about what I have written and which sites I visit. (they do not know anything about my GD)

I am deleting the browser history and deleting everything I write on here, to make sure.

When I got home today, there was a letter addressed to my GP, but with my address on it.

My wife had opened it thinking it was for someone else, and then realised it was to do with my referral to the Gender Clinic.

It is a letter from the Doctor in the city I live in who was responsible for this Gender Clinic here.

It seems he no longer does this and had written to my doctor with recommendations on some clinics regionally that can offer this service.

So it seems that my GP will have to send another letter to one of those on the list he supplied.

The nearest would appear to be in Nottingham with a Doctor Brian Ferguson.

I will call my GP tomorrow and drop this letter into him to see if he can get this under way.

Another good weekend

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 20:01:16 GMT

I have had another nice weekend fortunately.

My weekend started with a visit with my son to see the Leicester Tigers rugby team play South Africa at the official opening of the new stadium.

It was my son’s friend’s birthday party and he wanted to have it there with my son. His dad then purchased a ticket for me as he sometimes stays over here, as a thank you.

It was a really great night with a capacity 24,000 crowd.

Surprisingly there were a few South African fans there to.

The good news was that after a very exciting match, the Tigers managed to beat South Africa. What a result.

On Saturday we had my son’s friend for the day and we went for a walk with all the family including our dog, to a local reservoir for a walk.

My two daughters decided to take the dog on a minor detour into a path that ran 30 metres parallel to the one we were on for a few hundred metres.

We could see the girls although the dog was hidden through the bushes as she was too small.

When we shouted to the girls to ask how they were, Daisy (our dog) heard us and bolted in our direction.

My 9 year old daughter was struggling to hold her back from diving into the bushes in her desperation to come to us. Eventually we told her to let go of the lead as she was pulling my daughter.

So she let go and Daisy ran as fast as she could, straight for us.

She ran through 30 – 40 Metres of thick bushes and trees. As she was smaller than the bushes all you could see was the bushes bulging up and outwards as she darted for us.

We stood there watching as she got closer, quite worried she was going to hurt herself, only to see her pop out at the end, with just a ditch to go. But she was determined to reach us and jumped down into the ditch, did a somersault and then landed on her side. Then she got straight up on her feet, and jumped to greet us.

When we knew she was all right we all burst out laughing. She is now 24 weeks and getting mischievous, and an awful lot stronger.

When we got back we had a rest and then went out to a fireworks party at a local village, to celebrate Guy Forkes night. It was a nice display and they had a big Bonfire as well.

We all watched a DVD when we got back.

Today my wife was working, so my daughters came with me to see my son play Rugby. We also took Daisy so she couldn’t get up to any mischief.

At 11.00 AM everyone stopped playing and moved to a central pitch and bowed our heads for the 2 minute silence. You could have heard a pin drop. All the kids from 5 upwards paid their respects. I hope this mark of respect for the fallen carries on into the future.

My son bizarrely managed to hurt his neck, not from any of the tackles or rough play of rugby, but by just turning to look at the coach on the sideline quickly, and managing to pull a muscle in his neck.

I ran a hot bath for him when we got back and put a few pillows on his bed to keep him comfortable. His neck seems to be loosening up now, and he is able to turn it partially now.

I have just cooked dinner, and am now going to practise my guitar while the rest of the family watch the X factor. I just hope that Jedward are voted out. I can’t believe they are still in a singing competition, when they clearly can’t sing. Who the hell votes for them?

Talking of my guitar, I went to see my friend John, who teaches me to play. He is an older guy and a little lonely. I had a really nice chat with him on Thursday, and we played a little. I am going to pick 10 – 12 new songs and plan to get my second gig set up at home for my family and some friends again, with Johns help.

Hopefully we will do it late February which gives me 4 months to practice playing the songs. Last time I mostly played lead guitar, so I am trying to focus on Chords for this gig. I do find changing chords fast enough to be a real challenge. Hopefully this will give me something to focus on and help me get motivated to practice. But I am starting to get the bug again.

With Regards to Exercise, I am finding getting motivated to jog damn tough. I have only managed one 3 mile jog a week for the last couple of weeks. I have also been eating too much which included lots of crisps and cakes. So much so I have put on 4 pounds in the last couple of weeks.

So this afternoon, I forced a 7 mile run out of myself. Wow every step was tough. Physically I don’t find it to bad but mentally I find it really hard.

I really need to get a new playlist set up for my MP3 player, to try to give me a boost.

Halloween

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:12:34 GMT

Well we had a really nice Halloween weekend.

We had organised for our next door neighbours to come around and have a party with us. They have 2 children of similar ages to mine, and they all get along really well.

So after preparing the games and decorating the conservatory and all the windows, we prepared some homemade Chilli con carne and opened up a bottle of wine. (I separated a pot for the extra 3 chillies I put in for my neighbour and me!)

At 6.00 PM the children from next door came around with their Mum, and they went out trick or treating with my wife and children.

They all got dressed up and looked great. I was a little envious of my wife and neighbour as they wore what I would describe as sexy witches costumes, but it was fun.

So when they went out I stayed in to give out the sweets to the children who came around.

Now I had planned a little fun and had downloaded some scary Halloween sounds which were fabulous. I moved my speakers next to the window in my office on the top floor, opened the window and played the sound as high as it would go. There were screams, sounds of knives being sharpened, creaking doors, ghosts etc booming out into the night.

As we overlook fields at the front I turned off the outside lights at the front of our house so it was a little dark, for maximum effect.

Then I sat, sipping some lovely wine awaiting kids to scare!

When they knocked on our front door I waited a few moments and then opened the door really slowly. Our door is great as it does creak at about half way.

I had turned all but the energy saver light on so the hall was only dimly lit.

When the door was almost fully open I stayed still and could almost hear the children wondering what was going on.

And then dressed in my monster mask and black cape I pounced from behind the door and ran up my path to scare the groups of kids.

It got so much laughter from the children of all ages and indeed the parents that I had a great time.

When my son and his friend got back, they joined in pretending to be dead bodies on the front of the house, and twitching / coming to life just as I pounced.

The only trouble is I don’t know what to do next year to move things to a whole new level! J

Sunday was a clear up day and I managed to spend an hour in the bath, reading Cosmo! After that we watched a couple of films on the TV with the kids.

What a lovely weekend we had.

This is amazing

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 22:54:48 GMT

I tried this and must be a dumb ass!!

Even when I new the answer I couldnt find them all!

Hope you enjoy

Test Your Brain

This is really cool.

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

(i love this part.. its absolutely amazing!)
Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

<http://www.aip.org/history/einstein/ae77.htm%3e>

Three is normal, four is quite rare

Back to Reality

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:15:04 GMT

Well my run did clear my mind a bit and I have got my head around the fact I have to get back to presenting as male for large periods of time again.

After the first two horrendous days back at work this week, my holiday seems like a distant dream.

It has been so busy at work and although the economic climate is still presenting challenges for us, we are doing ok really and the order level is bearing up reasonably well.

I went to my electrolysis session again last night. It was the first one in 2 weeks but after 30 minutes in the hot chair; the hairs that were ready for electrocution were all gone. It is odd when I go but half the time I can focus so hard that I can numb the pain in my mind, and the other half I find it a bit of a nightmare.

That said I don’t bother with any pain killers any more as they really don’t seem to make much difference to me. I will be really glad though when I don’t have to go any more.

I am sure another 30 minutes worth will have grown by next Monday though.

I haven’t heard anything from my doctor or the Gender clinic yet. It was 2 weeks ago that I went to see my GP and gave him the letter from my Psychologist. I guess it will probably take another couple of weeks yet till I get anything.

I am starting to think about telling my brother and sister about me again.

My Mum has suggested I wait as my sister is a real worrier and already has things on her mind at the moment that are stressing her out.

I will give it a few weeks and then maybe see how she is.

My wife and kids seem to be getting used to me practising and using my feminine voice now (sometimes not so feminine!)

I am finding that after speaking for a couple of hours, my throat starts to ache a bit. I am not sure if this is normal or not. I hope with practice and my body getting used to it I am able to do it without having my throat ache.

I really need to pay for some more voice lessons. I have only had a 40 minute lesson and since then I just can’t seem to get the funds available on top of all the other expenses that I am paying for.

Hopefully if and when I get a referral to the gender clinic, I can get a couple of lessons on the NHS. On the down side I bet the wait for that would mean I win the lottery first.

Reality Check

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 22:34:54 GMT

Well we had a great week away. Completely relaxing and I managed to spend almost all the week being me.

I also used my female voice for long periods which was great.

I was a little sad when we had to leave this morning but resigned to getting back to the normality of life.

We got home at 2.30PM and unpacked.

I went and got a Chinese takeaway as we were still unpacking and had not got anything ready to cook.

On the way to get the takeaway the reality of being back hit me and those horrible feelings came back.

I think it’s the fact I have to go back to presenting as a male again for work and on some occasions outside. This feels difficult to accept after having such a great week away.

This stuff really drags me down. L

After dinner I had to have a bath to relax. I was starting to get a mild panic attack and my heart rate was racing and I was feeling a little out of breath.

After that I had a large Whisky to calm me down. Now feeling a little better, with a glass of red wine to hand.

I am going to go on a long run tomorrow to try to get rid of some stress.

I am starting to realise I just can’t spend the rest of my life in the middle. I don’t want to go through these ups and downs constantly.

I am not looking forward to going back to work. I am sure I will get comments as to the length of my hair, but I just can’t bear to have the length cut. I think it would literally kill me, to have it cut short.

I just want to be me. I am getting tired of being someone I am not and it is so damn draining.

The one big thing that worries me is the impact on my job.

I know I can handle the family and friends issues. I know it will be difficult but I can do that.

But my work is another issue.

It’s not that I am worried about losing the job, but just the income that it provides. Again my worry revolves around that not allowing me to provide a stable life for my children. Getting a job while transitioning would not be easy at all.

If it was just me then to be honest I wouldn’t worry too much. I could get by.

But how can I expect my young family to go through not only my transition, but the potential impact losing my job would have?

I know there is legislation in place for discrimination but companies can get around this. Reasons can be engineered to prove almost anything with clever people.

I work in a company with 30 employees. We sell machinery and solutions into Industry.

I am the Sales manager and have a team of 3 working for me. I also do a lot of the selling directly.

I know the owner and other 2 Directors would be very concerned as to the impact me presenting as a woman would have on business, and it could get a quite difficult.

They can be a ruthless bunch when they need to be, but equally they do sometimes show a heart.

Which side would they show?

My gut instinct, which normally is fairly good, is that there concerns over business would win over.

I have wondered if this did appear to be the case, if I should try to negotiate an exit with them. But at best this would only keep my going for 6 months or so.

Maybe I am worrying over nothing but I couldn’t live with myself if I lost my income, and my children suffered because of it.

I have been made redundant in the past, and that is something you don’t have control over, but I do have control over this and it would really hurt to know I had caused it.

Damn and Bugger.

Out and about

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 22:30:05 GMT

I love our breaks in the caravan for several reasons.

It obviously gives me plenty of time to spend with my wife and children. It also means I am not working. But it is also the one place where I am able to be myself each day. I am able to present myself in female clothes, even if androgynous in appearance.

My wife and kids are now completely fine with me going out dressed in this feminine style.

In fact the boots in the photos were chosen by my daughters and my wife has bought me a lovely scarf to keep me warm, from the sea breezes that are quite chilly at this time of year.

They are also starting to feel more comfortable with me practising my voice with them, which beats talking into a digital voice recorder.

A few things have happened when interacting with others this break.

Yesterday we walked along the beach into Cromer again and then we had a stroll around the town. I have to say I didn't’t notice one stare. I held my head high and was just trying to relax and be myself. I tried to blend in and do what you would normally do while browsing and shopping and it went really well.

In fact I went into a bakers shop and treated us all too some cakes. The lady behind the counter addressed me as Madame. She also recommended me to change my cake to the one “your friend” (my wife!!!!) ordered as it was nicer. I was desperately trying to hold my voice, which I know needs a lot more work. But I kept calm and relaxed and just enjoyed it. I had a big smile on my face.

My wife wasn't’t upset, but she said it was another indicator that her husband is disappearing.

Today we drove into another town called Sherringham.

I went into one shop and a man accidentally bumped into me. He looked at me and said “sorry my darling” I just smiled at him. Inside I was jumping for joy!!

We also went into a pub and I walked up to the bar and ordered us all a drink. When paying, I proudly got out my purse and paid.

Again we had a stroll around the shops and nobody took a second look at me except on 3 occasions.

On each of these occasions people had seen me and not noticed anything accept when my wife and kids were calling me.

My wife naturally calls me Jason and my kids, when trying to get my attention shout “dad” at the top of their voices.

Now when this happens they look at me and start to wonder what is going on.

I have to say I didn't’t really feel embarrassed, but it has made me wonder what to do about how they address me when we are out.

My wife often calls me Lisa now anyway so she says she will try to use Lisa when we are out.

But as for the kids, I will always be there Father and I am not quite sure how to get around the issue in the correct way. I would be interested to hear from others who have worked through this. They do sometimes call me Lisa at home but obviously “dad” is so normal to them it is second nature.

It also feels a little strange having my kids address me by a first name rather than as a parent.

I have the rest of the week here and then back home.

I really hate having to present as male at home, although I still have a very androgynous look most days, except from work.

The more time I spend away like this, relaxed and enjoying being me, the more I want to do it permanently.

I spoke to my wife today and asked her if she minded me using my breast forms and some minimal make up when out on this break. This would help me to move slightly further than the androgynous look I use while on holiday. It appears to me that most people are seeing me a female anyway and it may help me pass better.

She is having a think about it. I am not going to push it as she is already accepting me beyond what I could have wished for. In time I think she will be fine with it but not quite yet.

All in all this is a great break and I don’t want it to end.

Cliff Richard and the Shadows

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 20:57:56 GMT

I forgot to mention in my last blog that I went to see a concert on Thursday night.

It was Cliff Richard and the shadows, playing at the Sheffield Arena.

I have been learning to play the guitar for around 18 months and I got this as a gift for the old man that teaches me.

I see him about once every couple of weeks and he gives me lessons for free, so I wanted to repay his kindness.

He is ok with Cliff Richard but really likes the Shadows, and loves the guitar playing.

I recognised about half the songs played and enjoyed the night more than I thought I would. It had a capacity 12,000 crowd, whose average age was probably 25 years older than me!

Everyone was friendly and many were dancing in the isles as the concert went on.

We got back late as we were stuck in the car park for 1 hour after it finished.

This led to us getting back home down to Leicestershire at 1.15 AM.

The computer was on so I just checked me mails and caught Caroline for a chat before I had to retire at 2.00AM for some much needed beauty sleep.

Wow Caroline really is a night owl!

I had to have a quick shave with my electric razor on Thursday night. It was my first shave for 8 weeks but as I am away for a week and then my electrolygist is, I wanted to make sure the fine hairs were not too long and noticeable before my next session.

If I keep my weekly appointments then they are all zapped away.

I am hoping after another few months I will not need to much more. Right now 30 minutes a week is enough as there is nothing more to get rid of after that.

Daisy loved the beach today and spent lots of time fighting the waves. The kids took their boots off, rolled up there trousers and paddled ankle deep. They all had a great time.

My wife and I walked well away from the freezing cold water LOL.

We have just finished watching the X factor results (I won the battle last night and we watched Strictly come dancing, can’t win 2 in a row!). I am now being beckoned by the kids to battle it out over connect 4!
I guess after all I am the reigning champion.

My Birthday

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 15:07:51 GMT

I had my 38^th Birthday on the 14^th October and it was a lovely day.

Unfortunately I had to work in the day but did leave on time and got home to my wife and children at a decent time.

My Mum and Dad came around to celebrate with us.

We had decided to get a takeaway Indian meal as we all like spicy food (except my Youngest Daughter).

When my Mum and Dad arrived we had a chat and then My Dad and I ordered the takeaway meal and went to collect it.

As we still had a wait when we got there my Dad said he would buy me a birthday drink while we waited. So we had a chat and aside from the normal things we talk about, he asked me about how I was getting on.

So I told him about my visit to the doctor and the letter I had handed over requesting a visit to the gender clinic.

He asked questions and was quite supportive.

When we got back we all had dinner and then the kids went to play.

I then told my Mum about the doctor’s visit and we had a chat about how it went and possible scenarios as I transition.

It went well.

I also showed them a picture I had printed of me. (The reason I had printed it off was because my Hairdresser had asked to see a picture of me.)

I was keen to let them see me as they have known for a while and I just felt they needed to see me as a next step.

My mum said I looked nice. My dad smiled but didn’t really say too much.

We had a pleasant evening sharing a few glasses of wine and conversation.

As always the best bit of my birthday is when my wife brings in my Birthday cake, with candles, and the kids sing me happy Birthday.

I love the excitement and love in their eyes and voices. It always puts a big smile on my face, much bigger than any present I have ever had.

My parents have seen me in women’s jeans and tops that are androgynous. I am not sure exactly when but I feel they need to see me as I normally dress most evenings. This time is not far off I feel.

I also managed to get to my hairdressers On Friday. My hair is getting longer and he is now starting to cut it in a feminine style which can be styled in a masculine way in the day. I am restricted with the length on the back but I am now able to style it as a short bob style, and am quite pleased with it.

I also showed him my picture and he was very complimentary (I know he is unlikely to say I looked anything but nice as he is a nice guy!)

I am writing this blog from our touring caravan, on a caravan site in Cromer, Norfolk. We all love this little seaside town. It is a traditional resort where you can enjoy simple pleasures like walking on the beach and exploring rock pools.

We arrived this afternoon and are shortly going out for something to eat. We will be here for 1 week as the children are off this week from school. Hopefully the weather will stay mostly dry, as we plan to do lots of walking on the beach.

I am sure Daisy (our puppy) will love the sea and we can’t wait to see her enjoy her time here.

Visit to my GP.

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:04:01 GMT

Visit to my GP.

Well yesterday I had an appointment to see my GP. The main aim was to give him the letter from my psychologist recommending that he refer me to the Gender Identity Clinic.

I arranged this to be the last appointment of the day so I could have a chat with him about my Gender issues and the letter from my Psychologist.

After he welcomed me in I told him I had specifically asked for him rather than any of the other GP’s in the practice for 2 reasons.

- The first is that he is a genuinely nice and kind man.

- The second is that I had visited him 2 ½ years previous when having some ailment or other. While with him on this visit he said I looked particularly down and stressed, and eventually I told him I was having gender issues.

I have seen him a few times since. At those meetings he has prescribed me medication to stop hair loss, (which was worrying me a lot), as well as prescribing various treatments for skin and scalp conditions which have been predominantly stress related.

I explained about the steps I had been doing privately over the last couple of years,

- Laser hair removal on my legs / arms /stomach /chest and face.

- Electrolysis on my face to remove the remaining hairs

- 15 sessions with a therapist.

- 3 structured meetings with my psychologist

- Talks each week with my psychologist as she was doing my electrolysis (helps to stop me thinking about the pain and saves money!)

- Taking Dutasteride to reduce the DHT levels in my body (the most potent form of testosterone and is the major cause of Male pattern baldness)

- Coming out to my wife and children and parents

As usual he was very patient and kind and when I had finished he simply said to me- “I was wondering when you would be ready to come and share this with me. I have been expecting this visit”

He said he would make the necessary arrangements and get back to me. He also said the steps I had taken so far and the letter were going to help a lot.

I asked him if he had experience of the process and had dealt with this before.

He said he had but not from such an early stage. It seems he was involved with a patient who was late on in their transition.

He put me completely at ease and asked me if I wanted him to address me as Lisa! :-D

Of course I smiled and said – “Yes please!” :-D

We chatted for a little while longer and when I left he said Goodbye Lisa.

So the meeting went really well and I felt like I had done the right thing afterwards.

My mind is now a little more relaxed at the moment. Hopefully it will stay that way.