Over the past week I seem to have got over this virus. It left me feeling drained both physically and emotionally. This wasn’t helped by being really busy at work. I spend a couple of long days in Scotland and a couple in Ireland on top of the normal mayhem.

Last Sunday I went for a jog as it had been 2 weeks since my last exercise. I only managed about 500 Metres and nearly fainted. After walking bag I had a bath and took it easy for a few days.

I did manage to get a run in on Thursday. I took it really slowly and did 3 miles in 30 minutes but felt strong at the end. So I did 3 miles more on Saturday.

I have to say you can tell the difference after a couple of weeks off, as on both days my legs really ached. But the reason I love to run is that it helps keep my stress levels down.

After my run I had a shower and quickly did my bi weekly epilating session, all over. It’s great to be smooth again.

On Saturday I received a letter from the Nottingham Gender Clinic confirming they had received the letter my GP had sent and the recommendation from my Psychologist.

They are requesting confirmation from the Leicester PCT that they will pay for this but I don’t believe this will be a problem.

I have filled out a form they enclosed and will post that back tomorrow.

It says it will be around 6 months until I get an appointment but it also asks if they have a cancellation, would you be prepared to go at short notice. I obviously ticked that and will now have to wait I guess.

At least I am now in the system.

Last night I went out for a stag night with my brother in Law. It was a quiet affair with just the 2 of us. I did enjoy his company and we had a nice meal and a chat. Fairly subdued but really nice.

I have to say I really would have preferred to be on a hen night and it did make me think a lot about myself again. As I stayed over at his house I had to wear all male clothes which I haven’t done in ages. Even when I go out normally I am in female clothes, even if androgynous in look. I also had to get rid of my nail varnish, and how awful do toes look bear!!!!

I had a good chat with his future wife and her 2 daughters (it is a second marriage for them both) and kind of wanted to stay with them having wine and watching a girly chick flick.

But we went out and I listened intently to talk of computers and gadgets. But “HeyHo” I guess.

I have to say I went out with the intent of drinking wine as normal, but was seduced by the traditional beers on tap, so I ended up having several pints of some great sounding and even better tasting beers!

I didn’t get to drunk and was up and having breakfast at 9.00AM this morning.

I left them at 10.30 and got home at midday. I kissed my wife and daughters and went straight up stairs to get in some decent clothes!

My son returned from Rugby at 1.00 and we had a lovely Sunday dinner.

I have done a bit of cleaning and helped my daughter with her homework.

My wife is working at the hospital until 9.00PM so it is giving me a little time to catch up with my blogs.

I am still without my personal computer as the mother board has blown. My brother in law offered to fix it but told me he would back up my hard drive to one of his spare drives in case when he did whatever he does the memory was lost.

I then panicked as I have copies of my blogs and letters to do with me on there. There are also plenty of photos of me and my wife and kids with me in my feminine clothes.

So I obviously told him I had forgotten it.

Now I will have to work out how to get this changed another way.

I hate using my work Lap top just in case the clever computer nerds find out about me but I don’t have much choice at the moment.

I am feeling a little more balanced at the moment. Long may it continue?

I hope everyone is ok.

I have been feeling a little all over the place this last week.

Physically I think I have a virus as I have had an almost permanent headache since Saturday, with a cold and aching stomach. On Monday I had to leave work early as everyone told me I looked awful. I know I felt it.

When I got home I went straight to bed at 3.30PM.

Unfortunately I had 2 long days on Tuesday and Wednesday as I had to fly up to Scotland to see some customers. These were 2 long days and I had to take a customer out to dinner on Tuesday night.

I sat there and had 5 coffees and 3 cokes to try to keep me awake.

I got back latish last night and slept like a log.

I keep thinking about transitioning. I think about being a woman all the time, but now I am starting to really resent having male genitilier. I want them gone.

I am feeling stressed to the hilt with GD and my job.

I have been thinking of starting up a little business carpet cleaning. I think it is something I could initially do at the weekends and as it grows transition into it full time.

After the initial investment for a good industrial machine, which I will try to buy second hand, the running costs would be low. Only really time and cleaning chemicals as I get work.

I am doing a bit of research into companies locally who offer this but I don’t think there are too many.

My wife is struggling a little at the moment. She really sees me as a woman and intimacy has disappeared. We are in love but she is at the moment struggling with the changes that will happen if I transition further.

She really needs someone to talk to other than me. She doesn’t seem to want to talk to my parents about her feelings.

I have told her if she needs to tell her Mum it is fine with me but she seems to change her mind constantly on if and when she will tell her.

I think she could do with speaking to someone else to help her sort her feelings out.

My kids are fine but they don’t want me to transition fully.

At dinner a couple of weeks ago my son (11) said he was fine with me but was worried about what his friends would say and how they would treat him. My eldest daughter (9) said exactly the same.

My wife then opened up and said she really wanted not to lose her husband and if possible wanted me to stay where I am now.

My youngest daughter (6) who always makes me laugh said she didn’t mind as I am a girl anyway. I guess she is at an age where she can’t see the potential impact of bigots and prejudice.

The conversation carried on and we discussed things in a calm way.

My elder daughter then said that if I transitioned maybe I could move away and come back in a couple of years as Lisa. My son agreed and said that would be one way.

My wife also didn’t dismiss this either.

Obviously this is not possible for so many reasons, but when we all left the table it did play on my mind a lot. It makes me realise that even though I have been open with them for 18 months, and they are fine with me being myself when on holiday etc, it will be a much much greater challenge with coming out to friends who live and interact with us all daily.

It makes me feel so guilty.

I want to try to stop where I am but the thought cripples me. It leaves me in a permanent stressed mode.

My family are great and I love them to bits.

They have helped me hugely with this; I hate to put them through any more challenges.

After last week feeling motivated to play the guitar, I just can’t work up the will to do anything with it at all at the moment.

I want the feeling of living back in my life in place of this feeling of longing.

Sorry this blog is a bit random but all over the place but that how I am at the moment.

I haven’t been happy in my job for quite some time. I am in a senior sales position in a successful company, and have a sales team I am responsible for, in addition to a direct selling role.

We have faired the recession well and orders last year were on target.

So far this year we are slightly ahead so I should have reason for jubilation.

However the role is one of constant stress. No matter what you achieve and how much money we make, it continues to be stressful.

I am in an environment that pays well, but has little if any of a positive and fun nature.

I do enjoy the selling but most the stress is internal.

If we get a big order there is little celebration, moreover constant question on costs and time involved. Risk is analysed from start to finish. Costs are counted to the penny and a kick in the bum is issued, should anything go a miss.

I wouldn’t mind but we make very good margins.

It is a culture of the stick with only a financial carrot, but no other benefit.

It leaves me feeling the stress is not worthwhile.

I feel I am selling my sole for a pound.

Dread to think I will be doing this in a few years!

I also can’t stop wondering about the impact the stress causes me.

While I know I suffer from Gender Dyshorpia, I can’t help wondering if I had a less stressful job, I may be able to handle the GD a lot better. Maybe I could cope to a level that I didn’t feel the need to transition.

I don’t want to think I am burying my head in the sand, but if I could find a way to stay as I am and be free of GD or at least a less intense depressing feelings of GD, then it would be well worth it.

I guess I will never know the answer to this unless I move on and try it.

The trouble is my responsibilities to my family. I need to find a safe way of doing something new.

I really want to start something myself, something which I could transition into in my spare time, and develop, and then after it is ready, finish at where I am.

I have my thinking cap on but if anyone has any suggestions then please let me know!

I had a problem with my PC not starting up on Saturday morning. I turned it on and the light came on for a fraction of a second and then went off.

It wouldn’t then start again, so I changed the fuse and when I pressed the power button again, it went on for a fraction of a second again and then off.

I spoke to my brother in law and he thinks it may be the power supply, so I will see him tomorrow night for him to have a look for me.

Hopefully it is as I really haven’t budgeted for a new computer, especially with Christmas coming up!

I am managing to use my work notebook, although I don’t like to as when I am connected to the network in the office, who knows what they can find out about what I have written and which sites I visit. (they do not know anything about my GD)

I am deleting the browser history and deleting everything I write on here, to make sure.

When I got home today, there was a letter addressed to my GP, but with my address on it.

My wife had opened it thinking it was for someone else, and then realised it was to do with my referral to the Gender Clinic.

It is a letter from the Doctor in the city I live in who was responsible for this Gender Clinic here.

It seems he no longer does this and had written to my doctor with recommendations on some clinics regionally that can offer this service.

So it seems that my GP will have to send another letter to one of those on the list he supplied.

The nearest would appear to be in Nottingham with a Doctor Brian Ferguson.

I will call my GP tomorrow and drop this letter into him to see if he can get this under way.

x

I have had another nice weekend fortunately.

My weekend started with a visit with my son to see the Leicester Tigers rugby team play South Africa at the official opening of the new stadium.

It was my son’s friend’s birthday party and he wanted to have it there with my son. His dad then purchased a ticket for me as he sometimes stays over here, as a thank you.

It was a really great night with a capacity 24,000 crowd.

Surprisingly there were a few South African fans there to.

The good news was that after a very exciting match, the Tigers managed to beat South Africa. What a result.

On Saturday we had my son’s friend for the day and we went for a walk with all the family including our dog, to a local reservoir for a walk.

My two daughters decided to take the dog on a minor detour into a path that ran 30 metres parallel to the one we were on for a few hundred metres.

We could see the girls although the dog was hidden through the bushes as she was too small.

When we shouted to the girls to ask how they were, Daisy (our dog) heard us and bolted in our direction.

My 9 year old daughter was struggling to hold her back from diving into the bushes in her desperation to come to us. Eventually we told her to let go of the lead as she was pulling my daughter.

So she let go and Daisy ran as fast as she could, straight for us.

She ran through 30 – 40 Metres of thick bushes and trees. As she was smaller than the bushes all you could see was the bushes bulging up and outwards as she darted for us.

We stood there watching as she got closer, quite worried she was going to hurt herself, only to see her pop out at the end, with just a ditch to go. But she was determined to reach us and jumped down into the ditch, did a somersault and then landed on her side. Then she got straight up on her feet, and jumped to greet us.

When we knew she was all right we all burst out laughing. She is now 24 weeks and getting mischievous, and an awful lot stronger.

 When we got back we had a rest and then went out to a fireworks party at a local village, to celebrate Guy Forkes night. It was a nice display and they had a big Bonfire as well.

We all watched a DVD when we got back.

Today my wife was working, so my daughters came with me to see my son play Rugby. We also took Daisy so she couldn’t get up to any mischief.

At 11.00 AM everyone stopped playing and moved to a central pitch and bowed our heads for the 2 minute silence. You could have heard a pin drop. All the kids from 5 upwards paid their respects. I hope this mark of respect for the fallen carries on into the future.

My son bizarrely managed to hurt his neck, not from any of the tackles or rough play of rugby, but by just turning to look at the coach on the sideline quickly, and managing to pull a muscle in his neck.

I ran a hot bath for him when we got back and put a few pillows on his bed to keep him comfortable. His neck seems to be loosening up now, and he is able to turn it partially now.

I have just cooked dinner, and am now going to practise my guitar while the rest of the family watch the X factor. I just hope that Jedward are voted out. I can’t believe they are still in a singing competition, when they clearly can’t sing. Who the hell votes for them?

Talking of my guitar, I went to see my friend John, who teaches me to play. He is an older guy and a little lonely. I had a really nice chat with him on Thursday, and we played a little. I am going to pick 10 – 12 new songs and plan to get my second gig set up at home for my family and some friends again, with Johns help.

 Hopefully we will do it late February which gives me 4 months to practice playing the songs. Last time I mostly played lead guitar, so I am trying to focus on Chords for this gig. I do find changing chords fast enough to be a real challenge. Hopefully this will give me something to focus on and help me get motivated to practice. But I am starting to get the bug again.

With Regards to Exercise, I am finding getting motivated to jog damn tough. I have only managed one 3 mile jog a week for the last couple of weeks. I have also been eating too much which included lots of crisps and cakes. So much so I have put on 4 pounds in the last couple of weeks.

So this afternoon, I forced a 7 mile run out of myself. Wow every step was tough. Physically I don’t find it to bad but mentally I find it really hard.

I really need to get a new playlist set up for my MP3 player, to try to give me a boost.

x

Well we had a really nice Halloween weekend.

We had organised for our next door neighbours to come around and have a party with us. They have 2 children of similar ages to mine, and they all get along really well.

So after preparing the games and decorating the conservatory and all the windows, we prepared some homemade Chilli con carne and opened up a bottle of wine. (I separated a pot for the extra 3 chillies I put in for my neighbour and me!)

At 6.00 PM the children from next door came around with their Mum, and they went out trick or treating with my wife and children.

They all got dressed up and looked great. I was a little envious of my wife and neighbour as they wore what I would describe as sexy witches costumes, but it was fun.

So when they went out I stayed in to give out the sweets to the children who came around.

Now I had planned a little fun and had downloaded some scary Halloween sounds which were fabulous. I moved my speakers next to the window in my office on the top floor, opened the window and played the sound as high as it would go. There were screams, sounds of knives being sharpened, creaking doors, ghosts etc booming out into the night.

As we overlook fields at the front I turned off the outside lights at the front of our house so it was a little dark, for maximum effect.

Then I sat, sipping some lovely wine awaiting kids to scare!

When they knocked on our front door I waited a few moments and then opened the door really slowly. Our door is great as it does creak at about half way.

I had turned all but the energy saver light on so the hall was only dimly lit.

When the door was almost fully open I stayed still and could almost hear the children wondering what was going on.

And then dressed in my monster mask and black cape I pounced from behind the door and ran up my path to scare the groups of kids.

It got so much laughter from the children of all ages and indeed the parents that I had a great time.

When my son and his friend got back, they joined in pretending to be dead bodies on the front of the house, and twitching / coming to life just as I pounced.

The only trouble is I don’t know what to do next year to move things to a whole new level! J

Sunday was a clear up day and I managed to spend an hour in the bath, reading Cosmo! After that we watched a couple of films on the TV with the kids.

What a lovely weekend we had.

Well my run did clear my mind a bit and I have got my head around the fact I have to get back to presenting as male for large periods of time again.

After the first two horrendous days back at work this week, my holiday seems like a distant dream.

It has been so busy at work and although the economic climate is still presenting challenges for us, we are doing ok really and the order level is bearing up reasonably well.

I went to my electrolysis session again last night. It was the first one in 2 weeks but after 30 minutes in the hot chair; the hairs that were ready for electrocution were all gone. It is odd when I go but half the time I can focus so hard that I can numb the pain in my mind, and the other half I find it a bit of a nightmare.

That said I don’t bother with any pain killers any more as they really don’t seem to make much difference to me. I will be really glad though when I don’t have to go any more.

I am sure another 30 minutes worth will have grown by next Monday though.

I haven’t heard anything from my doctor or the Gender clinic yet. It was 2 weeks ago that I went to see my GP and gave him the letter from my Psychologist. I guess it will probably take another couple of weeks yet till I get anything.

I am starting to think about telling my brother and sister about me again.

My Mum has suggested I wait as my sister is a real worrier and already has things on her mind at the moment that are stressing her out.

I will give it a few weeks and then maybe see how she is.

My wife and kids seem to be getting used to me practising and using my feminine voice now (sometimes not so feminine!)

I am finding that after speaking for a couple of hours, my throat starts to ache a bit. I am not sure if this is normal or not. I hope with practice and my body getting used to it I am able to do it without having my throat ache.

I really need to pay for some more voice lessons. I have only had a 40 minute lesson and since then I just can’t seem to get the funds available on top of all the other expenses that I am paying for.

Hopefully if and when I get a referral to the gender clinic, I can get a couple of lessons on the NHS. On the down side I bet the wait for that would mean I win the lottery first.

x

Well we had a great week away. Completely relaxing and I managed to spend almost all the week being me.

I also used my female voice for long periods which was great.

I was a little sad when we had to leave this morning but resigned to getting back to the normality of life.

We got home at 2.30PM and unpacked.

I went and got a Chinese takeaway as we were still unpacking and had not got anything ready to cook.

On the way to get the takeaway the reality of being back hit me and those horrible feelings came back.

I think it’s the fact I have to go back to presenting as a male again for work and on some occasions outside. This feels difficult to accept after having such a great week away.

This stuff really drags me down. L

After dinner I had to have a bath to relax. I was starting to get a mild panic attack and my heart rate was racing and I was feeling a little out of breath.

After that I had a large Whisky to calm me down. Now feeling a little better, with a glass of red wine to hand.

I am going to go on a long run tomorrow to try to get rid of some stress.

I am starting to realise I just can’t spend the rest of my life in the middle. I don’t want to go through these ups and downs constantly.

I am not looking forward to going back to work. I am sure I will get comments as to the length of my hair, but I just can’t bear to have the length cut. I think it would literally kill me, to have it cut short.

I just want to be me. I am getting tired of being someone I am not and it is so damn draining.

The one big thing that worries me is the impact on my job.

I know I can handle the family and friends issues. I know it will be difficult but I can do that.

But my work is another issue.

It’s not that I am worried about losing the job, but just the income that it provides. Again my worry revolves around that not allowing me to provide a stable life for my children. Getting a job while transitioning would not be easy at all.

If it was just me then to be honest I wouldn’t worry too much. I could get by.

But how can I expect my young family to go through not only my transition, but the potential impact losing my job would have?

I know there is legislation in place for discrimination but companies can get around this. Reasons can be engineered to prove almost anything with clever people.

I work in a company with 30 employees. We sell machinery and solutions into Industry.

I am the Sales manager and have a team of 3 working for me. I also do a lot of the selling directly.

I know the owner and other 2 Directors would be very concerned as to the impact me presenting as a woman would have on business, and it could get a quite difficult.

They can be a ruthless bunch when they need to be, but equally they do sometimes show a heart.

Which side would they show?

My gut instinct, which normally is fairly good, is that there concerns over business would win over.

I have wondered if this did appear to be the case, if I should try to negotiate an exit with them. But at best this would only keep my going for 6 months or so.

Maybe I am worrying over nothing but I couldn’t live with myself if I lost my income, and my children suffered because of it.

I have been made redundant in the past, and that is something you don’t have control over, but I do have control over this and it would really hurt to know I had caused it.

Damn and Bugger.

X